Ah! a day in the life of Miriam. I tell ya. Most of you could not handle being me. I think Hashem knew what he was doing when he made me the way I am. You see, I have a slight urge towards exhibitionism. Something which being tzenua keeps in check. My life sometimes is like a constant stage act. As long as I look great and have my head (as in knowing the topic at hand and being able to make intelligent contributions to a discussion)together, I feel great.
Just the other day, I went on a date with Hubby. It was exciting to get ready for the date. Earrings -the special ones, finding the right headcovering to match my outfit, checking myself in the mirror a gazillion times. My patient hubby got extra learning time. See, everything has a good side LOL
So we went to Center One. I small mall type of place where there are lots of restaurants. We went to one, ordered our food and went and sat down. Something was weighing heavily on hubby's mind so we talked about it.
The cold raining outdoors, the warm indoors, the food, Hubby's voice, the fact we were on a date! Everything combined to make the time special!
Then came the bochurs (young single men). Four of them. They took a table right next to us. Then, with their derech eretz-less, I'm -so -frum-look -at -my -black -kippah --and white shirt selves started staring at us! What nerves!
I must say it was interesting to watch my own psychology at this whole matter. I am not from a religious background. When /where I grew up flirting left and right was the norm in society, everything was sexualized, everyone was grabbing for attention, etc.
At first I didn't realize they were staring because I was so engrossed with Hubby. We talked and joked and laughed and ate. I totally forgot about the world. When there was a brief silence, that's when I realized they had been staring. It wasn't the "oh, how odd" stare. It was more mean. Like they were trying to intimidate me or make me feel small. The ignorant, oh-how-odd stares are different. Parve in a way. This was mean-spirited.
My first reaction was to immediate fall back into the 'old Me'. I felt like I was on stage and loved it. I enjoy the stares sometimes. I admit. And this was no different. An audience! I wanted to smile more, to talk more, to eat more daintily, etc etc....to act.
Then my new second nature kicked in. The 'new Miriam'. I started to wonder, what would those boys think at night? Sure, they think they can intimidate me and stare me down, but I really don't want to be a part of their wet dreaming and sinning. Hah! Talk about messed up. A real party pooper thought.
So, we got up and went for a walk.
Lots of thoughts were swarming in my mind. I was glad that I didn't get intimidated and that I still had that want to be looked at, adored, etc. I was also glad that I dealt with the situation smoothly and that I didn't succumb to the urge to flirt at them just to drive them crazy in the head. I was glad that my new second nature kicked in before I did anything i'd have to pray for forgiveness about. I was also fascinated that this was the first time I ever stood outside of myself and broke down the situation this way.
Again, most people can't be me.